Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
