Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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