I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
