Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
