Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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