I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
