I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
