I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
