dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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