I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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