I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
