i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
