He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
