well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I am midnight drunk by noon
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
