The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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