Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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