I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
