Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
