Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
