____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
