I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
