Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think your dad took our porno
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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