OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
