They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
