Need sex. Gaining weight.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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