so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
