I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
