All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
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