I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
