I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
