y did u give ur computer a hand job?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
