To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
