SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He better not be in your backpack
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
