I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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