I met the friendliest cop last night
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
