Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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