Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
