Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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