Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
