I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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