If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
