i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
