with your own penis?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
