You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
