Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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