Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
