hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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