i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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