Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
