The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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