They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
