There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
