Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
